In Post # 4, I briefly touched on the issue of being the “victim”. I’d like to elaborate a bit more on this, because it plays (what I believe) a crucial role in the overall emotional, mental, spiritual and even physical well-being of an individual. As far as I can see it, if victimization is (in any way) a part of who you are, it will fall into one or more of the three categories below -

1. Ignorant victim
2. Passive victim
3. Active victim

Now, before I continue defining these terms, just let me say that to be human is to be fallible. We all screw up, we all make mistakes, we all willfully do the wrong thing at some time or another. That being said, realize that every one of us has most likely been one of the above three kinds of victims at some time or another. But, if you are existing in ANY of the above categories for too long of a period – you’ve got a problem. So, let’s break out each one and see how it may or may not apply to you.

Also, just in case you don’t fully understand what the term “victim” means, let me enlighten you. Generally speaking, a victim is a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency. Now, let’s move onward with the first of the above three terms:

1. Ignorant victim – is someone who unknowingly or unsuspectingly suffers from a destructive or injurious action or behavior. I suppose obvious examples of this could be a woman who is assaulted while walking down the street or a man who is robbed at an ATM. Basically, it can run the gamut from being assaulted to being lied to, being cheated on, etc. Every human being at some time or another has been an ignorant victim. It’s unfortunate, but it’s the nature of life. It happens among animals as well as humans. No matter where you are on your journey in life, you’re going to be susceptible to being victimized by someone or something. There are always those predator type individuals who are waiting to pounce and take advantage of you. And, the more vulnerable you are, the greater your chance of being an “ignorant” victim. Sometimes, no matter how well-informed, no matter how wise, no matter how strong, a person can be unknowingly victimized. It is sad, but it’s true.

A person’s chances of being an ignorant victim greatly increase when there is a lack of solid moral structure or moral compass in his/her life that includes a heightened sense of direction. Imagine yourself on the deck of your ship, no one at the helm and the storm tossing you all over the place. Not only will you NOT get anywhere, but your ship may even be damaged or capsized and your life forfeited. If you don’t have proper information, direction, guidance, structure, boundaries, etc. your risk of being unknowingly victimized are almost certain. (In the future, I’ll discuss where you can find the type of moral structure/compass that you need to avoid this.) Ignorant victimization can be lethal at its worst and is dangerous at its best. It may set you minimally off course or it may destroy your ship (life).

The way to avoid being this type of victim is to be wary of your surroundings at all times and not to be stupid. Again, if you find yourself an “ignorant” victim on a regular basis, then we need to talk – you need serious help. Your problem is most likely not that you’re an unknowing or “ignorant” victim, but that you’re one of the other two types of victims.

As an aside, let me interject here that sometimes life circumstances can blow us off course and cause us to lose track of where we are. Even perfectly trained, talented, articulate, moral captains (people who are in control of their lives) can be blindsided by the occasional storm. And when struggling to find their way back on course, it’s very easy to be unknowingly victimized. I suppose what I’m saying here is that when a person is dealing with trauma or drama in the midst of life, he or she can be especially susceptible to being unknowingly victimized, because of all of the distraction that is already taking place. It’s very hard to outmaneuver someone who’s right on their game, but it’s not so hard to do so on an off day. Or, it’s very easy to catch a bird with a broken wing, but try catching one whose wings are in tact. You have to be pretty cunning to do so, or you have to wound the bird first before catching it. Those of us who are wounded or broken are much more susceptible to being unknowingly victimized. If this rings true in your life, then give yourself a break. There should be no guilt involved with being an ignorant victim. The word “ignorant” simply means “unknowing” in this case – not “stupid.”

Next time, I’ll continue with the second category – the “passive” victim.

or, is it somebody else’s?

Remember, in order to get your ship moving in the right direction, you have to be in control (standing at the helm, with your hands on the wheel). Many of us are passive observers of our own lives, hanging out in the lounge of our ship, taking no control or responsibility for where our ship (life) is going. That particular situation may seem easy, but in reality it’s NOT where you want to be. You’ll never solve your problems and be the best person you can be if this is your situation.

Let’s take a closer look at this “condition”. And, just for the sake of naming it something, I’ll call it “passive observer syndrome”.

Passive observer syndrome – is a condition where a person fails to take control of their own life, thereby surrendering his/her authority and power to affect change.

It’s not hard to understand what this condition is. Basically, you either have control of your life or you don’t. Either you are captain of your ship or your not. I suppose it’s possible to have some part-time captains in your life, people to whom you entrust control of your ship from time to time. I’ll get into that later. But for now and for clarity sake, I’m going to talk in absolutes – you either have control of your life, or you do not.

Now, the question for you that begs to be asked is – “Do you have control of your own life?” Before you answer, “yes,” as it’s a quick and simple answer, think about it – meditate on it, pray about it. It’s time for some serious self-examination here. Coming to terms with this particular question will be key for solving problems, attaining goals, becoming a healthier and happier person, improving relationships and finding success for your life.

If you discover that someone else has control of your life, chances are it’s not a good thing, even if it’s someone that you love, trust or respect. Ultimately, you need to be making decisions for yourself, unless you’re five years old. If someone is making decisions for you, it either means that you’re not capable of making them yourself, or quite frankly, you’re a dependent person, which can open Pandora’s box of problems. And, if this is you, don’t despair – there is a way out.

As an aside, let me also say that it’s very possible to allow someTHING to have control over your life. You may be saying to yourself, “nobody controls me . . . I make my own decisions . . .” But does someTHING have a grip on you? Again, the question to be answered here is “Who or what is standing at the helm of your ship?” “Who or what is the captain?” If it’s someone/thing other than you and you’re headed somewhere that you’re unsure of or somewhere you don’t want to go, then it’s time for change!

For now, your job is to truly figure out EXACTLY your situation. As Christ said, “if you know the truth, the truth will set you free.”

Before I begin elaborating on how to “map” your way out of the fog of frustration, pain, worry, problems, etc., let’s reiterate where you should be at this point.

First of all, if you’ve been following my advice, you should be standing at the the helm of your ship, holding the wheel in your hands, eyes fixed on the horizon and ready to steer in the right direction. If this image isn’t working for you, let me just state it plainly – because in order to move forward, you need to fully accept the following truths about yourself:

1. Your life is your own.
2. You are responsible for yourself.
3. You have the power to change.

If you can wholeheartedly agree with the above three things, then you can definitely move forward. You now have control of your ship and you’re ready to sail to the promised land. But, if you can’t accept the above three truths, then you need to stop and reevaluate, because you’re not going anywhere. My advice – quit blaming everyone else for your problems and take responsibility for yourself. Being a victim will NOT get you what you want in this life, so let’s move past that. I could write volumes about victimization, but trust me here – always being the victim is not a healthy way to live your life. It may get you some of what you want, but you’ll never be happy playing the victim card. Quite frankly, playing the role of “victim” is surrendering to the life of a loser. So, if you’re doing it, even a little bit, stop it now before it ruins your life or somebody else’s.

My mom is a smart person. For as long as I can remember, she’s had this little saying that has stuck with me. When I was younger, it didn’t mean much, but as I’ve matured, it’s come to mean everything. Would you like to know what her little piece of advice is?

Life is what you make of it.

Did you catch that? Are you listening? That one statement basically sums up everything that I’ve been saying. It may seem like an oversimplification, but it’s overwhelmingly true. All three of those truths I listed above are wrapped up in this one little statement – “life is what you make of it.” And, no matter what your circumstance may be, no matter what storm is swirling in your life, no matter how poor, how unhappy, how sick, how frustrated, how much someone has hurt you – you need to remember, your life will NEVER be anything more or anything less than what YOU make of it.

Okay, meditate on the above. It’s a big chunk to chew on, but it will definitely get your ship moving in the right direction at this point.

If you’ve been following my train of thought throughout my last couple of posts, you should now have a clear image of yourself standing at the helm of your ship, holding that wheel with both hands, ready to steer yourself in the right direction. You are the captain of your ship.

Now, if we’re completely honest with ourselves and use careful introspection (looking deep within), we will all admit that we know, somehow, the difference between right and wrong. I think in our heart of hearts and in the deep recesses of our minds, there is a small voice, whispering the truth to us. The problem is that many of us, on a fairly regular basis, tend to listen to that ever so small voice only when it’s convenient. And some of us don’t even listen to it at all. Unfortunately, this can lead to trouble – you know when we make up our own rules and don’t have any clear, preplanned design for what we should do or where we should be. If you have mounting problems over which you feel like you have no control – this may be exactly what’s been happening to you. Keep reading!

A lack of vision or focus keeps our ship (life) in the fog (confusion), seizes any control that we have over our ship (life) and keeps us meandering through rough seas with no land (solution) in sight.

In other words, if you have no focus or vision, chances are you’re not going to find a way out of your situation. If this is you and you’re ready to move forward, change course and redirect your ship (life), then what you need now is a map – and not just any old map, but the right one.

Before I go any further, I’m going to suggest a couple of things for you to do that will help you focus and find your way:

1. Meditate in the morning. Spend some time alone, inside or outside, but in a quiet place, and ask God to give you guidance. I don’t care whether or not you are religious or know how to pray – just trust me on this one. Now is where you need Divine guidance, so ask for it. Meditate on it. Confess your issues, problems, sins, frustrations or whatever you want to call them – to God and ask for guidance. Admitting our weakness and accepting His forgiveness, strength and wisdom is a good thing. It will empower and encourage you to do what needs to be done. And as the saying goes, “if God is for us, then who can be against us.”
2. Write every day. I don’t care if you’re a bad speller or if you hate writing or whatever your lame excuse may be, again, this is your life we’re talking about. If you want to get it right, then start writing. You don’t have to write a book or anything – just jot down some things that you’d like to accomplish over the next few weeks. In fact, break it down if you like. Again, this can be a visualization type of exercise. Make a time line if you want. Write down positive things (things that will get your ship moving in the right direction) that you want to achieve today, this week, in a month, by the end of the year, etc. It’s not an exhaustive list, but you need to start seeing yourself as moving out of your current bad circumstance(s) and into the place where you want to be. Furthermore, you need to figure out exactly what it is that you want. A lot of us never move out of our current misery because we don’t know where we want to actually go. This exercise will help you figure that out.
3. Rinse and Repeat. Practice the above two things and you’ll start to see some interesting and exciting things start to take place in your life. You’re going to be surprised what you’re going to learn about yourself.

Ok, so let’s take things a bit further. I know we talk about taking baby steps when we’re doing something difficult and trying to go from point A to point B. But, this is your life we’re talking about. It’s the only one you have and you had better make the best of it, otherwise, you’ll wake up in a nursing home (if you’re lucky enough to live that long) and wonder what in the world happened to my life. Hey, I’m 40 years old now and I’m already wondering it, so imagine what it must be like to have senioritis.

My point is this – none of us have the luxury of waiting to be or do what we’ve always dreamed about being or doing.

In case you haven’t noticed, time is not on our side. The key is, we must do it now.

If you followed the four points in my previous post, you should now be standing on your ship with the control wheel in your hand. If you’ve been able to accomplish this, then you’re ready – ready to start living the life that you’ve wanted to live. It’s time to steer that ship of yours to the “promised land” – you know – the place where you’ve been wanting to be, but just haven’t yet been able to realize.

Ok, let’s stop here for a sec and clarify something. First off, if most of your life is already in order (you know, you make good money, you have a great job, home, family, etc. and you’re reasonably happy), then you may already have most things under control. But, if you’re like most people, there’s probably an area or two that just keeps tripping you up. Perhaps there’s something going on with you that you just can’t seem to overcome. Whatever your case may be, you can apply this “ship” principle to your particular issue or situation. Again, think of your life as the ship, and perhaps you’ve got some other captain (a nagging issue, problem or even a person) who’s standing at the wheel and taking you somewhere you don’t want or need to be. Now – not tomorrow – but NOW is the time to take the wheel back and return to the right course, before you end up so far away from where you should be, that it’s virtually impossible to get back.

You may be wondering why I keep dwelling on this “ship” or “boat” analogy as opposed to just talking about your life. Well, I’m hoping that in doing so, you’ll be able to separate yourself a bit from your life and look at what’s going on with you, objectively. If you can visualize what I’m talking about, then you can apply it directly to your own circumstance or existence. This brings up an important point:

Sometimes we get so caught up in the drama of our problems, that we become paralyzed and are unable to do anything about them.

We lose perspective in the cloud of our despair and fail to see the solution clearly. That’s why it is of utmost importance that you try to step outside of your life and see things through the eyes of a third party observer. Hence, the ship analogy. Furthermore, that’s why it’s often helpful to speak to someone wise outside of your circumstances who can help you clarify things a bit. That’s exactly what I do when I meet with people who are dealing with nagging issues.

Ok, so “baby steps”. I’ll keep pressing forward, so if you’re still with me here, you’re doing well. Hang on to that wheel and I’ll start to tell you next how you can find out where to steer your ship (life) from your current location.

It seems these days that a lot of people are existing in a state of perpetual frustration – always wanting to be in a different place (or for circumstances to change), but rarely seem to get there.

Here are some examples:

• “Why can’t I lose weight?”
• “Why am I depressed?”
• “How come I never have any energy?”
• “Why can’t I ever seem to get ahead?”
• “I hate my job.”
• “My spouse drives me nuts!”
• “Nobody likes me.”
• “Why don’t I ever have any money?”

Yeah, yeah, yeah – I know – Everybody has their problems. But a lot of people are just stuck in a rut. Why is this? It’s even a question that I must continually ask myself, as I try to help myself and others. Perhaps that’s why I’m endeavoring to make my own way with this website and blog.

Of course, we all should be living according to a solid belief system, if we even have one. We should have very specific rules that govern our lives and goals that we are striving for, otherwise we’re like a ship in the fog with no captain – you know the ones that simply get thrashed around in the turmoil of the sea, but never arrive anywhere, except by happenstance.

In retrospect, how many of us spend our lives on that symbolic ship, merely observing, merely hoping that someone would step up to the wheel and steer it in the right direction? I know I have at times. But the point is this – we all are on our own ship (life). The question is, who’s doing the driving? In my counseling and consulting sessions, I find that most people are just sitting in their own ship, waiting for someone else to give them the answer or to even do the driving. Or, they’re standing on the edge of the boat with their eyes anxiously fixed upon the horizon, hoping and praying that they’ll soon see land – FRUSTRATED all the way. The problem is – they’re not doing anything to get to land. Furthermore, and maybe even worse is that many don’t even know to which direction they want to go.

Okay, so here’s my two cents, for what it’s worth, if you’re one of these people. I’ll break it out so it’s easy to understand:

1. Recognize that you are in your own ship (aka your life is your own).
2. Realize that you and only you are responsible for that ship (for your life).
3. Get off your butt and grab the wheel (take control and responsibility for your life now).
4. Start driving (start living).

If you can tackle those four point today, and I believe you can. The rest will become much, much clearer. And you know what? Your frustration will start to go away.

Now next time, I’ll give you my thoughts about where to go once you’ve actually got your hands on the wheel.

You know, when it comes to daily living (in our health, spiritual journey, intelligence, or physical conditioning), we need to always keep a conscious check on our progress. We become so easily distracted with the “little things” no matter how big they may seem. We fail to keep the bigger picture in mind – which is not easy – not when you’re dealing with one difficult issue after another. Regarding our faith walk, this is why I believe it’s so important to continue to meditate upon the truths that God has given us. It helps us maintain His perspective about life so that we see things as He does. In fact, when we attempt to see things through God’s eyes (by way of meditating on His truths and praying for His guidance), then we become more like Him, gain and maintain His unique perspective and thereby, PROGRESS in our faith. If God has truly done a work in our hearts, then the fruit of His Spirit will become manifest in our lives:

“. . . love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control . . .”

(Galatians 5:22-23)

I don’t know about you, but for me, these particular attributes are what I need on a moment by moment basis to be the best that I can be. The amazing thing is that they come from God! Being tapped into Him means being supercharged to plow through all the daily muck and mire.

Furthermore, it’s the only way that we can keep moving forward – PROGRESSING and not sliding backwards!

My prayer for all of us today is that we keep ourselves “plugged in” to our real Source of strength and wisdom:

1. Focus on God’s truth.
   
2. Pray for His strength, wisdom and guidance.
   
3. Decide to consciously follow what He reveals.
   
4. PROGRESS in your faith and move forward!

These are the apostle Paul’s inspired words of encouragement for those of us who tend to get bogged down in the muck and mire of everyday existence. They come from a profound understanding that for those who have a true faith in God – that He will watch over and protect – come what may. To give you the full context of this passage, I’ll quote it below. It comes from Philippians 4: 4-9. It’s one of my favorite biblical passages. I’ll quote it from the Amplified Bible, as it tends to elaborate well on certain terms by defining them in parentheses.

4 Rejoice in the Lord always [delight, gladden yourselves in Him]; again I say, Rejoice!

5 Let all men know and perceive and recognize your unselfishness (your considerateness, your forbearing spirit). The Lord is near [He is coming soon].

6 Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.

7 And God’s peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

8 For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].

9 Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you.

For those of us who have a particular problem with focusing on the negative (ah, that would be me), I bolded verse 8. I find that if I keep that particular passage in the forefront of my mind, that it’s easier to traverse difficult moments during the day. It’s a way that I can proactively affect my life. I must continuously remind myself that there’s no place in my mind and life for the negative. The only thing negativity does is propagate more negative, stress and anxiety. Does the phrase “sick with worry” sound familiar?

Join me today in meditating upon the truths that are written above. If we practice them, then I truly believe and know that God’s peace (as stated above in vs. 7), which truly does pass all understanding, will pervade our hearts and minds – even through the difficulties that we are facing.

The above title is profound, to say the least. I wish I could claim its authorship, but I cannot. My friend and co-writer Ori Hofmekler came up with this philosophical quote. He applies it to fitness, health and nutrition. Over the past couple of years, I’ve adopted the philosophy for myself as well, but not only in terms of health, fitness and nutrition, but also to the spiritual side of my life. Being a minister and Christian myself, I find that the concept is actually quite biblical as well.

The apostle Paul wrote in Philippians to ” . . . work out our salvation with fear and trembling . . .”

Our faith walk with God is a daily, hourly, and sometimes moment by moment pursuit to be, do, act, respond and advance as Christ would want. In the midst of my life relationships, I find that we all have challenges, struggles and issues through which we all must navigate. The question is who is doing the navigating? Do we aimlessly wander through life without an “active” pursuit to survive these difficulties? Do we leave our circumstances to some unknown fate, with no clear direction as to where we’re going?

I know that in my life, I choose to take the higher road – one which is directed by the teachings of Christ – Who understood the temptations and pains of being human, yet also being God, always made the right choices. He understood that just as silver and gold are only purified by fire, so are our lives refined, by the fire of trials and struggle.

The thing we must constantly remind ourselves is that it’s a daily choice – to endure the trial – holding true to our convictions, because we know they are right – because we know that the rules by which our lives should be governed, are what God has stated are true. They are what God has determined will help us survive, to flourish and to have ultimate victory.

Let’s determine to keep our eyes on the prize, knowing full well that as we choose to actively survive, that we’ll soon cross that chasm of pain, discomfort and despair – only to find ourselves much better off when we arrive on the other side.

I’m just sitting here today at the beach.

It’s early morning and as I watch the sun break just above the ocean, I can’t help but think about how thankful I am, just to be healthy and alive. This morning, God brought some bible verses to mind, specifically from the book of James in the New Testament. After having surgery and overcoming the anxiety surrounding it, I can close my eyes, feel the sun on my face and thank God for my health and my life, and for the fact that the trial is over. By His grace and strength, I have endured. Below, are His words that He shared with me today. In like manner, I share them with you:

• Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.

• Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.

• But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.

• If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.

• Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind.

• For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord,

• [For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides].

• Let the brother in humble circumstances glory in his elevation [as a Christian, called to the true riches and to be an heir of God],

• And the rich [person ought to glory] in being humbled [by being shown his human frailty], because like the flower of the grass he will pass away.

• For the sun comes up with a scorching heat and parches the grass; its flower falls off and its beauty fades away. Even so will the rich man wither and die in the midst of his pursuits.

• Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.

That last verse is my prayer today for all of those who are enduring trial, temptation, heartache or suffering. We should all endeavor to receive the promised “crown of life” as we persevere through the difficulties of this life!